I don't want to think about it.
But the calculus for Loopholes is boring me at the moment, and I need to vent somewhere (Adam is on the phone with Alice, again). So yesterday wasn't as bad as I'd pessimistically predicted; I was able to talk with her for perhaps an hour at her home, when I went to check on the friend/flight status. I hadn't been counting on anything today (Sunday), but she brought it up; mentioned that I should call her after church, since it wasn't until 3:00 that she was to pick up the other friend and drive to Lincoln. She had no plans, and was offering the time.
So I called around noon (the suggested time; I attended our church's early service to be sure of my availability, and was home by 11:00), and her mother told me that she and her father were out moving something of hers to a vehicle for transport later that day. I guessed it would take 5 minutes, a figure her mother agreed with, and said I'd walk around the block (my intention being to arrive at Zelda's availability). So I did.
When I reached the house, there was nobody home. The something of hers was in the car, the dogs were in the backyard. Their kitchen light was even on (as I could see through their front door). But nobody answered the doorbell. I checked (as well as one can from a distance) their backyard, and there was nobody evident there. I went home. It was, perhaps, 12:15.
I called again at 12:30, and went over again at 12:45, and basically alternated calling or doorbell ringing every fifteen minutes thereafter. Finally, at 2:50 (at which point I gave up entirely on being able to see her for anything beyond a very brief conversation, if any) I learned that their family had gone over to help her aunt move into her new apartment.
I went through three hours of confused disappointment, and the worst part, yet again, is that there is NO ONE TO BLAME. The closest thing to "fault" here is that I walked around the block before seeing her; if I'd gone straight over I would probably have at least caught her before she went off to her aunt's.
It is a little odd that her mother, knowing that I was but a walk away, didn't postpone their departure or leave a note, or maybe even tell me about their intentions before I came. But that is small enough a detail to forgivably forget or overlook.
In any case, I'm in a lesser mood again.
And I have yet another reason to avoid looking forward to anything with her ever again. Let's be cynical, a bit, because I'm in something of a bitter mood. How many times have I looked forward to what looked like a sure thing to see her? Um... too many (or, at least, too painful of memories) to count. We'll say a dozen. How many times has reality come even close to fulfilling anticipated (not merely hoped for - anticipated) time? None. The rare occasions I have had the opportunity to enjoy good, quality, time with her, it has either been more or less completely unexpected and spontaneous (and here I'm talking about the time we walked to my old neighborhood, the time she interrupted my walk with the 'morning ladies' and walked with me instead, and the time we went to see Attack of the Clones) or it has fallen tragically short of what I'd expected (like the hour I had yesterday, instead of the half a day I - and allegedly she - was looking forward to). I don't want to belittle those times. I sincerely enjoy them, and look forward to them - oh, wait. I CAN'T look forward to them, can I? Let us instead say I enjoyed them immensely and am very hopeful of more like them in the future. But it'd be nice if they weren't so sparse, though. I mean, we're talking perhaps six times (counting all the little bitty times that probably oughtn't count for purposes of this analysis) over the last EIGHTTEEN MONTHS.
So, sure, six out of eighteen. That doesn't sound *so* bad, does it? Yeah. Eighteen shots (in toto) out of eighteen months. One a month. And let's not forget the fact that it's not like I just passively wait around for her to be available, either. We're talking fairly aggressive (so much that I often doubt myself on my tenacity) querying here, every time she could conceivably be available.
This shouldn't be this much effort. Yes, I'm doing my best to ignore my attraction to her and approach this whole thing in a platonic way - because that's what she wants for now (and, so, is what I want, too). Sure, I'm not a "significant other" or anything. Just a "friend". But I see my friends more than once a month, and I don't really have to try that hard.
Well, I'm doing it again, eh?
I always get a bit depressed when this happens.
Dang it! Three hours, and I watched them melt away, not knowing how or why they were doing so.
And, to beat a dead horse, it's not like I can blame anyone - or anything - for this. I'll (sadly) admit that there's a degree of resentment part of me holds for her, and there's a small desire I have relatively recently become aware of that she will do something, once, that I *can* blame her for. Just to have *something* to blame, I guess. So I can let some of this out. Which, I suppose, makes it a good thing that she has not. I would be afraid of letting *too* much out, and I don't want to hurt her.
Nobody to blame, no *thing* to blame, not even myself. It would be better, even, if I could be angry at myself for something - other than doggedly, unnaturally (it seems to me) persisting in this. But could I ever give it - the possibility of Zelda - up? No. She is too good a thing for that.