Why does this happen to me? Why? It's horrible.
Zelda has been back in town for a few days; how many I'm not sure, but the first day I found she was back, I of course inquired as to her availability, and it was not to be had. Yesterday I called, and she told me that she had no plans for today, except transporting a piece of equipment from her home here back to her apartment - something that shouldn't take very long. I was going to call today to find when she might be able to do something.
Well, I just called. She still hasn't made the trip to Lincoln, because she got a call from a UNL friend last night who is flying in to Omaha and needs a ride to Lincoln. The friend doesn't have her ticket yet, so she doesn't even know what day she's flying in. Zelda is waiting for the call that will tell her if (and when) she will arrive. It's noon, and she hasn't received the call yet (which she said she'd expected by now).
So the long and short of it is that I can't talk with her on the phone (as she is expecting the call), and the high likelihood (given the pessimism I think I've rightfully developed in these situations) that either all day will go by without this phone call (meaning an entire day has been burned off) or else she will be flying in at some horrid (in this situation) hour like 6, which would result in Zelda's being occupied elsewhere for the evening.
Why does everyone else seem to have no problem grabbing her time but me?
I mean, the worst part of this is that, like EVERY OTHER TIME, I can't really blame anyone for it. Zelda can't very well forsake her friend, and while it may be a little irresponsible on the friend's end to leave her hanging like this, it's not as though -
No, damn it. I should-
...no, I can't.
I'd LIKE to have some sort of claim on her time. I hate this "filling in the cracks" thing. That's all I can manage to do. Zelda has NEVER blocked out time for me. If I show up and she's not doing anything, she's delighted to spend it with me (or so she says, and her behavior in those instances gives me no reason to suspect otherwise -- however her behavior at other times might). But I've never been able to make plans for her. NEVER. The closest thing to plans we've ever had was "want to see Attack of the Clones sometime?" "sure". We didn't actually set a date. When it actually happened, it was - well, first of all, the time it actually happened was (at least) the third time I tried - the same thing; I called to see if she was busy at such-and-such an hour, and she wasn't, so we went.
I think she actually called me that time. I'd asked earlier in the day, and asked her to call me when she was {done with what she'd been doing | aware of her plans for the evening}, and she did, and we went.
I have never been able to lay any sort of claim on her time. I can't ask her what she's doing next Saturday night, find her schedule free, and ask her to keep it open for something I have (or will have) planned.
And, yes, I've tried.
I don't mind that her friends have a higher priority than I do.
What I mind is that her priorities for her friends, relative to whatever mud pit she has me stuck into, are emergencies by comparison. "Oh, what's that, George? Oh, you want to go out for a movie? Sure, I'm not busy. Well, Kevin wanted to take me dancing, but what does that matter?" "Sue? Hi! I haven't heard from you in - gee, it must be two weeks now! Well, I was going to go to the park with Kevin, who really wanted to see me since he's gotten back this semester and today is the last day I'll be in town, but it's nothing. Sure I'm free for lunch."
Okay, so that was a little overly harsh. But that's the way it feels.
Like I said, I don't really mind that her friends have priority over me. It bothers me that they have *preemptive* priority over me - or, rather, that she won't set any sort of plans with any semblance of solidity with me, but that she apparently will with them - which amounts to the same thing: anything her friends want to do with her, no matter how small, is more important to her than anything I want to do with her, no matter how great.
I know yesterday I told myself not to look at today with too much optimism - in fact I asked Adam last night what he were doing today, if whatever I was doing with Zelda were feasible and desirable to include him - and as a "backup", because if I got burned (yet again) I was going to want someone to hang out with. At this point, it looks like I'm going to be wanting a shoulder to cry on.
I hate this.
I hate it more because there's no object to direct anger at other than the situation itself. The only conceivable alternatives are myself, for caring so much - which is in essence "the situation itself" or at least its core, or something - or her, for treating me this way, and I don't think I could ever hate her. I hate what she's doing, but I can't really fault her for it.
It's not like I'm really *that* important to her, and I can't really expect to be.
But I want to be. I want to at least have some significance.