Stop hoping... Stop hoping... Stop hoping... Hi. Today's my birthday; I'm 23. I had a talk with Zelda last night, and it was really good - and it seemed to be rather promising of good talks to come. I went to bed in a good mood. Why did I wake up in a poor one?
I want to say it is because my birthday is so far anticlimactic. Except I felt like this as soon as I woke. And I'm pretty sure the negative interpretation of events etc. today is because of the spin added by my mood. I was disappointed in today before I even saw it. I think, maybe, I know why, though.
Some weeks ago I was talking with Zelda about Halloween costumes, and she asked if I would like a picture of her (not costumed). I was very happy about this, as I have, in truth, many times desired one. But, given... everything... I wouldn't be comfortable *asking* for one. And she was offering!
At some point I realized that my birthday was coming up, and thought that perhaps the arrival of the picture in the mail would coincide with it. Perhaps, even, Zelda was aware of this and was planning it so. She did seem rather impressed by my own recognition of her birthday, and it was possible that she was looking for a way to return the gesture.
I don't know. But last night I learned that she had forgotten the picture. She did speak excitedly about her friend's birthday "tomorrow". For an instant I dared to think she might be obliquely referring to me, but it was all too apparent that it was not. When I told her that Nov. 12 was my birthday, as well (and as I write this I'm unjustifiably angry at having to phrase it "as well" - I'm three years older; it was *my* birthday first! ... I told you it was unjustifiable and childish), she apologized for not having remembered. I told her it was all right; Nov. 12 isn't nearly so easy to remember as <mnemonic for her birthday>. But I was lying. Not about the "ease of remembering"; about it being all right. It was true that I hadn't really *expected* her to remember, because I know - or think I know - how unimportant I am in her mind. But I wanted her to.
Why did I not tell her the truth? Well, partly because it would have been whiny. But, mainly, because it would make her feel badly about it - and there would be two things. One; she would feel bad. And I want her to be happy. Two; she would feel pity, and guilt - beyond simply discomfort I don't wish on her, she might try to "make it up" to me. And I don't want that, either. Everything I get from her I want to be a true, genuine gift from her. I don't want her to spend time or thoughts on me for my sake. I want her to do it for her own - because she *wants* to.
All right, so, anyway. I'm in a poor mood, and it's because, yet again, I hoped too much. I hear the little voice, again... Stop hoping, stop hoping, stop hoping. I want to know that it's wrong, but so far it's been right so many times.