Love is the ultimate intimacy. When pursuing love, then, should one seek to be intimate? That seems to be my approach. But I throw myself around quite freely. I suppose a psychoanalyst would say this is because I lack love at home, or that I lacked it as a child. I'm not sure if this is true or not, but I'd like to think it's not. I'm not consciously feeling unloved. A little isolated at times, perhaps, but certainly not unloved.
But let us bring this to bear on the issue of Zelda. [interestingly enough, I've been calling her "Zelda" enough in conversation with my friends - those who don't know her real name - that I actually wrote "Zelda" here instead of her real name] I am attracted to her, in the physical and oddly chemical sense. I am very delighted, as well, with her interests and thoughts. Well, most of them, anyway. Certainly none that I know of so far are intolerable. In any case, I would like there to be intimacy and love between us. And, as far as I can objectively view myself, I seem to be going about furthering this cause by attempting to share much of myself with her. But I don't know what she feels for me - which, as noted before, hurts me. Not knowing. I suppose this is painful because it is the absence of reciprocal intimacy - which, lacking reciprocation as such, isn't really intimacy. Interesting little coil, there. Well, then, on with the thoughtstream.
I think it is fairly safe to conclude from her response (or lack thereof) that she does not want intimacy with me. This is not to say that she wants to not have intimacy; I mean that she does not actively desire it, for one reason or another. She may simply not be attracted to me. She may be attracted but unsure about a relationship, because of unreadiness, uncertainty, etc. I infer from our past interaction that, at least, she does not find me repugnant, and it is encouraging that I am not starting at a deficit.
Now, then, if she is attracted to me and so would *like* to become intimate but avoids this for some other reason, then I must attempt to remove that (or those) reasons. Her uncertainty or neutrality I might overcome by increasing her familiarity with me. If, then, she discovers she wants more of me, I will happily oblige. If she finds that I am not something she is interested in, then, well, that is that.
If she is attracted to me but unready, herself, for a relationship like I would like, then I can do nothing but wait. Arg. I don't think patience, by its very nature, ever came easily to anyone.
An interesting thing to note is that, in writing e-mail to her through the school year, trying to "win" some affection that way (and I must add, here, that this was not the primary goal held in mind in their writing - in fact, were that the case, then all were terrible creations), I have held in my mind one of my "heroes" - Cyrano deBergerac. But, in his case, the girl to whom he was writing was already attracted.