My dream last night - I don't know if I liked it or not. It was a really great dream. Really great. And so from a certain perspective it was good to have. But on the other hand, it was one of those things that really suck when you wake up to find that it wasn't true.
As any semi-astute reader will be able to guess, this dream involved Zelda to a strong degree. I was at home for Christmas break, and I had brought my computer back (this probably was a noted fact because prior to bedtime I had been contemplating what to take with me for Christmas). I don't remember the particulars surrounding the incoming call, but it seems to me that, surrounded by a bunch of dream setting-jumps involving home and some motel room "on the road", I had been fooling around a little with my family's cell phone paraphernalia. To skip a lot of stuff I'm not sure I remember well enough to describe, I got a call, and took it on my computer. It was a videophone call, from Zelda. She and her family were going to some Nebraska game taking place overseas - or perhaps it was not a game but some sort of honor ceremony. In any case, Zelda was calling from New York where she and her family were staying in a hotel room, and my dream-world location stabilized in my dorm room. I don't remember, very well, the first part of our conversation, but I do remember that after a little while it became rather pleasant. She did address our relationship, and she was rather positive about it. Apparently she really liked the Kevin she'd met over the summer, and was attracted to him, but the Kevin she'd e-mailed over the semester was different, somehow, and so she wasn't sure anymore how she felt. (Note: probable throwback reference to our conversation this summer to discussing marriage and love and people changing.) Somewhere in the course of our conversation Alan walked in, and saw my conversation. I remember thinking to myself, "I hope Alan notices what an attractive girl she is," in a Herman's Hermits "girls as sharp as her are something rare / … / make a bloke feel so proud" sort of way that, I realized (both then and now) was not entirely appropriate to our (Zelda's and my) situation. Despite Zelda's comment about not being sure about the "different" Kevin, the conversation became very pleasant (I don't remember particulars), and neither of us wanted to end the call. Actually, she was distracted by something, and while she was gone something took my attention as well; by the time I was finished, I was worried she had disconnected. To my delight she had not (apparently she was enjoying the call as much as I was), and we continued for a bit. It was particularly notable that not only had she not disconnected, but neither had her parents asked her to do so. I took this to mean that they considered our relationship something to encourage (videophone calls can't be cheap, you know), and this was good as well. Here (or shortly thereafter) the dream-world does a small flip. I am now sitting in the Zelasny's hotel room, talking with both Zelda and Alice, her sister. It is quite pleasant.
Again, I am unsure exactly how perspective shifts, but at some point I find myself watching a Star Trek Voyager sequence. Neelix decides that he no longer wants to be part of the crew (he has just suffered some loss, or something) and plants himself on a rather luxurious tropical planet to remain there for, presumably, the rest of his life. Janeway beams down to convince him otherwise. She mentions how awful this planet's wet season is (and I, as the viewer, am unsure whether this is true or if she is merely saying this to convince Neelix to leave the planet). He, too, is a little suspicious, and he asks her about it. She begins to answer but is distracted as she looks out the window and suddenly says, "My, what a beautiful sky."
The dream about Zelda was particularly pleasant because I finally received an answer to my question - how she feels about me. She really liked me over the summer, and was a bit attracted to me, but is now unsure because I seem to be a different person, now. Sure, it's got that negative aspect, and isn't quite the best state of affairs, but it set to rest the thing that hounds me. It was really nice to have that, and it was quite a disappointment to wake up and realize it had all been a dream (which, I think, I had somehow realized by the time the Voyager segment popped in, but it was still nice to have the *feeling* it was real).
I find it really interesting how the last part, in particular, works out parallel to my situation. Over the last few days, I've really just let go of school, which is, I suppose my "starship". In a delirium of avoidance, apathy, and whatever else, I haven't felt all that bad. Of course, on occasion, reality slips in and tells me I'll pay soon enough. And yet, much like the dream-uncertainty of whether or not Janeway was bluffing, I'm still not entirely sure what I am to do. God is, indeed, a powerful God, and he can be counted on to bring his plans to fruition. Just what those plans are for me, I'm not entirely sure, but I remain confident that they cannot be bad, coming from him. The only uncertainty lies on how I am to behave. Obviously, I oughtn't merely sit back and watch passively; everything requires some work. But, at this point, I'm not sure just what work that is to be.