So, there's another thing to think about. Even up to a few days ago, Zelda was a source of - um - emotional discomfort for me. After learning what a great person she was and is, I was willing to forego the whole *relationship* thing, preferring a platonic one if any of my attempts at the romantic would disturb her. And this is true, though I am, frankly, attracted to her. So even in pursuing her friendship, I will [probably] always still have a degree of longing for something more. At least, that's how it looks right now. I suppose Zelda has that mysterious quality of whatever it is that draws me. I was rapidly attracted to her this summer - too rapid to be accounted for merely by "sweet, pretty girl, intelligent, good cook, likes non-chick-flick movies, Christian, not obsessed with her appearance, shares [more or less] my epistemology and thinks like me…" Crap. Ok, but, still, my attraction is too great to be explained by that alone. Stupid chemicals, and subconscious motivation, and whatever other rot does this. (Side note: I find it a bit humorous that my curse template is "Stupid ____.") I'm fairly sure that these other modes of attraction are having their sway here, because I really am happy to have Zelda turn out to be merely a friend - certain journal entries, which were written while under an emotional context that was, though common, not at all universal, notwithstanding. Of course, between the platonic and the romantic, I obviously preferred the latter, but I was perfectly ready to accept the former [only - I am aware of the odd relation these two concepts have; I will go on on this later]. But since seeing her again a few days ago, I find myself again incredibly attracted. To make matters worse, when I learned when I would have an opportunity to possibly talk with her, I had became determined that I would ask her what sort of relationship she was thinking of regarding us. Her answer was obliquely "platonic": she made a comment about long distance relationships being difficult, and not a good idea. The trouble with this, for me, is that it was an indirect answer. I would have much preferred, cliché as it is, "Let's just be friends", if that's what she wants. Such an answer closes the possibility of a romantic relationship and would allow me to stop worrying about it, and get on with what might be an awesome friendship.
Perhaps I should tamper with my memory a bit so that I remember her saying, "Oh, Kevin, you're a great guy and all, but I'm not really interested in you that way. But I think we could be great friends", or something similar. Something about that seems very appealing. It would clear my mind on this issue, and doesn't require being overbearing or demanding - which isn't exactly the way one wishes to treat a friend or a lover. Ha, ha - "lover" is such a weighted word. Seems far too heavy for this context. But, in any case, I don't think this - the memory modification - would be a good thing. In *any* relationship, communication is key, and good communication requires an accurate common ground - common ground that requires, at the least, an accurate intelligence of past interactions.