My sister is growing up. I recently received an e-mail from home. Mom told me how pretty she looked in the dress she chose for homecoming. It's not the way I'm accustomed to thinking about my sister - as a pretty girl, that is. Stereotypically - or more accurately, perhaps, "to follow cliché" - I should have a hard time adjusting. But I don't really find this to be the case. I probably will settle myself into the stereotypical big brother who is rather protective of his sister. On analysis, though, I find that I'm not sure why. I'm not - at least, at the moment - particularly emotionally attached to her. No - that's not it. I am, but don't *feel* her right now. I suppose this would/will surface when I am once again in proximity.
Oh, my friend! Alan, I wish I could help you. I did what I could, but that didn't seem like much. I listened. I told him I cared for him. I told him I understood what he was he was going through and what he was feeling. On some rational level I know that that is a great deal. But it doesn't feel like much, on this end. He already knew that I care about him. I suppose, that, in the pits of despair, it is easy to forget the many people who care for us, and that a timely reminder can work wonders. I know I am grateful to Alan for listening to me unload my concerns of Zelda over the summer. I don't even remember, now, if he ever said, "I know, I understand, and I care," but his listening to me alone provided some comfort.
Still, as his friend - and one that cares for him - I want to fix his problem, either by removing his affliction - which I cannot do - or by reconciling him to it. And I am not sure that I can do even the second.
When I first saw Alan's outpourings to me, I admit I was a little prideful - what baggage that word carries; please contrast it with "arrogant", or replace it with "flattered" - that he chose me as a confidante. Now, in retrospect I suppose he may have been unloading on everyone, and that checks the exclusivity warm fuzzies, but still…
I have been thinking recently about the need to be needed. I don't lack the close knowledge that others care for me, and so cannot say that my … social predicament results from a "need to be loved". It is a need *to* love, and be needed - or, more accurately, *wanted*. "I care about you" is not the same thing as "I want you to care" or "I want your intimacy". I suppose, if I were to phrase it I would say "I want you to want me to want you." It doesn't really stop at that second level, "I want you to want me." Because, really, what I want to be wanted is my want. Why? I suppose it could be because I want my want to be justified, somehow. Or perhaps it is merely because "want me" isn't deep enough to describe it. That's it - the level. Alan wants me. I know that because he comes to me for help, and is comforted by my attention. That's what I started this track for: to ponder my desire to be wanted and Alan's wanting me. But the level is different. I want Zelda to want me to want her. It's… well, different. I know why - it is the romantic male-female thing - but I'm not sure… how? Maybe it is that I know how but not why. I -
Aaaarghh! Why did I have to do what I did? Why couldn't she just have continued to be "that pretty girl next door"? Why did she have to turn out to be engaging and intelligent, too? And why did this happen on the first girl I decided to - Ugh.
And… why does she not seem to care?