Here's a new pickle: the summer has turned out to be something of a dud; I didn't find any terribly good job (at least, not yet - and it's pretty late in the summer). It's very possible that the job I was offered at my friend's father's business, located in California is still available, but some new negatives - or, at least, hardships - have been introduced. My father will be charging me for food - either that or he will simply not feed me and leave me to purchase and consume my own - and I'll be on my own for transportation. Rent is still undecided, but something in me believes it will be either very inexpensive or nonexistent.
Before this point, I was pretty sure that, if it were still available, I would take the job. There were, of course, downsides, but the money and experience and fringe benefits were enough to outweigh them. The basic breakdown is that if I went to CA the downsides would mainly be tied to leaving NE, like leaving my siblings and friends. Others I hadn't thought of (but have begun to notice since it's become a possibility) were more minor, like arranging for my various belongings to be shipped to TX from NE, or from NE to CA and later to TX.
In the past, life in CA for me has been fairly simple; I suppose that's to be expected, since my time there has always been vacation time. But the CA I may be going to will be entirely different; I suppose that unfamiliarity may be part of what is holding me back. That's a little more comfortable way to think of it; at least my hesitancy isn't solely due to the fact that things will be [relatively] brutally realistic.
Definitely the proposed summer in CA would be good for me. Beyond looking much better on a résumé than temp work, it would help me prove to myself that I can perform well in the work situation where I'm likely to spend the next phase of my life. And it would help me start to get used to a "daily grind" and some of the troubles (read: expenses) that beset normal people who don't live at home with their parents.
But leaving here would mean leaving my friends, and [some of] my family - more importantly, the family I've grown up with - and the fairly comfortable setup I have here. I won't deny that part of me just doesn't want to work, and, at least at the moment, I'm not working (the temp agency doesn't have anything for me for a while). I suppose part of me might just not want that to end; I like my free time, and I admit that that's a very immature attitude. To counteract that I suppose I can realize that I'll be working either place. And the work I'm looking at in CA is much more desirable - because I think it will be enjoyable, not because I think it will be easy. So there, CA wins out.
Leaving my family means leaving my siblings, and that means not reading Tolkien to them in the evenings. I hate to leave that. Also, they're taking a family vacation trip next week, and if CA is doable it's certainly going to need some serious attention far before that week is up. I haven't been along on that family trip for two years now. I really don't want to miss that; not when it's so close this year. At least it isn't so bad as it looks on the surface ("No, I can't work because I'm going on vacation."); it is something I've been missing.
Leaving my friends will be somewhat difficult, but I don't think it will really be very bad; after all, I'm sure we can/will stay in contact via e-mail and various messaging programs. And there is the possibility (which I will definitely look into) of seeing my friend, that girl I know from high school who is now living in CA, some weekend. I'm not sure if one or two visits with her quite balances out the [relatively] many visits with friends here, but it does take some of the edge off of it, in net terms.
I think part of me is saying that CA is the best solution for me, and that the fact that I'd have bills to pay is actually a positive, character-building hardship, not some negative aspect of the plan. That part is pretty sure that the other part is just a lazy pathetic bum that wants life on a silver platter.
The other part doesn't really have much defense against that accusation. But it sure raises heck whenever I get close to making the final decision. "Just a little longer," it says. "Put off having normal expenses and paying bills for just a little longer. You'll probably find them easier to tackle if you take them all at the same time." I know that doesn't sound very logical, but there is a little justification; partial responsibility seems to me like learning to swim at the edge of the pool, and my track record carries a pretty strong prediction that if I do that I'll be concentrating on holding onto the edge, not on swimming alongside it. Hm. Now there's something I haven't thought of for some time. I learned to ride a bicycle relatively late in life. Without the training wheels I'd crash all over the place. The first time I really rode (and I remember this fairly well; the irony of the situation made it stick) was on the bumpy half-grassed (pun intentional) field above the park. After I did that the smooth pavement was a breeze. I suppose it may have been the fact that I wasn't as afraid of a few bruises from the ground as I was of a skinned knee from the pavement, but I don't think so.
Another thing that comes to mind with the bicycle analogy is that Dad (natural father in CA) was probably the one who helped the most in that. Dad (stepfather in NE) helped a lot, I know, but it was my natural father who first explained to me that you could maintain balance by turning the front wheel. I guess that tip gave me the ability to stay upright at slow speeds, and gave me confidence. Who knows. Either way, the fact that he helped me there should say a lot (at least in the stimulus-response animalistic learning portion of my reason) for my going to CA, where he'll be to help me along the way.
Which would be another good reason to go; it would give me a chance to live with Dad. I mean really live with him; vacation times don't really count; during the weeks I stay at home and find ways to amuse myself until he comes home, when we maybe do a few things before night comes, and during the weekends we do nothing or everything, trying to cram in a year's worth of lost together-time into the time we have. That is, at least, time spent together, but it's not really life.
This whole piece of work looks like me trying to convince myself to go to CA. I suppose that could be interpreted two ways: first, it means I should go, because I can't think of any good reasons against it, and second, it means I shouldn't, because why am I having such a hard time convincing myself?
The easy answer is the first one, and that I'm having a hard time convincing myself because that self is the aforementioned lazy pathetic bum. Man it hurts to have to admit that to myself. It is true, whether or not I should go to CA.