Ok. It's summer, and I'm home in Nebraska. No great job, again. Stupid me wasn't on the ball when it was time to look. So I'm with a temp agency. Which is still better than previous summers. At least I'm making some money. And the variety is nice, or at least it will be until stuff I start doing things I've done before. Right now I'm listening to my mp3 list. Well, just some of the quieter songs. And some of them are pretty darn stirring as far as emotions go. I find myself thinking of Alice Anderson, the girl from a carpool back in highschool here. I always do when I hear the "taco" song, that is, "As I Lay Me Down", or whatever its true title is. You know, it's really strange how some things get associated in your mind. But anyway I was thinking about her earlier this evening; my grandfather just flew in from California (he's staying with us for a bit) and we were touring the old neighborhood. There's been a lot of construction down there; we went looking at some of the newer houses, and a lot of the development reminded me of the area she lived in. And that got me to thinking about her, and how Alice crap I forget her last name but she had an older sister named Becky told me (whatever year it was) in passing in the hall that "Alice remembers you and says 'Hi'". I laughed - I thought she was being silly and self-third-person-ish - and she seemed hurt; she said, "No, really" and, school hallways being what they are, was gone. A few minutes later I remembered that she must have been talking about Alice Anderson and I felt really dumb. Partly because I'd obviously hurt her feelings by laughing something off, and partly because I was attracted to Alice [Anderson] and I was sort of by proxy hurting her. Or at least that's how I perceived it. I've never apologized for it; it seemed weird to seek her out and explain, and even if it were back then it would be REALLY weird to do so five years later. She's probably forgotten by now.
Of course part of me is obligated to play optimistic "What if?" and think about what might have happened had I been friendly and somehow started correspondence with Alice back then. I was attracted to her, and she at least remembered me. I suppose back then I thought it encouraging, but I was looking through optimistic glasses (as I am wont to do concerning attractions). "Everybody remembers Kevin" can be a curse, I suppose. How do I know when the remembrance is significant? Haha you're a fool, Kevin. The remembrance is a tool to be used to your advantage, if you dare to take it.
I don't think I've ever written him in before. X is awfully arrogant, but he has a lot of good points. Dreadfully cold at times, though. I think he resents being repressed most of the time. The others don't get so upset. I wonder what would happen if someday I let him go. I doubt he'd last very long. Stupid man. Everybody's got things they overlook.
I don't want to listen to "Don't Worry Be Happy" right now. I'm changing it. Nice beat but I feel like being somber.
Yes, I suppose it is time to sleep. But I don't really feel it; if I were to sleep I wouldn't really know what to do. I am tired, though. But I don't want the music to stop. Hm. A cliché thing to say would be "I'm afraid to be alone with my thoughts", but that's not really the way I'm feeling. The music just feels good, and if it stopped I think I would miss it. I've never been able to sleep with music playing; not really. I used to read before bed; I thought it helped me sleep. It did, in a way: I'd stay up so late reading that eventually I'd be so tired that putting away the book, turning out the light, and closing my eyes was very appealing. Hm.
Yes, there's definitely something different now, with the music off. It's almost a lonely feeling, but not quite. Yes, I suppose it is a lot like loneliness; something was here, and now it's gone. Awful selfish view of other people, I suppose: "people are here to entertain me". Hm. Yes, I suppose there are two types of loneliness - at least. Two types that I'm interested in right now, anyway. Stimulation loneliness and rapport loneliness. I call it "rapport" loneliness because I have no better word for it at the moment. The soul-to-soul connection thing. Hm. That's interesting. God-company fills the soul-to-soul thing, but not the stimulation. I suppose they're the spiritual and physical (or, "sensory" would be a better word) sides of the thing. What other facets can I see? Let's see, where spiritual and physical are, there's generally a "mental" or "intellectual". I guess I have that right now, in this. Hm. I'm turning the music back on.
So what else can I say is - hm. When the music returned, it was a little odd; I had to get used to it again. Possibly, because I paused it [in the middle of the piece] I had to have some time to reacquire the rhythm. Let's see. Stopping again. I'll start at the beginning of something this time, to see if there is the same readjustment period. First I have to start off on another thought, though, so that it's a similar situation.
Right, then. What else can be mental loneliness? I guess that's just boredom. Boredom isn't the same kind of pain; it's more of a dull ache than - well, ok, so maybe the other kinds of loneliness aren't exactly sharp biting pain, but boredom is on a lower frequency still.
I saw Alice not-Anderson the other day when I visited my old high school. I almost told her about that incident I've mentioned earlier in this entry, but stopped for the "it's five years old" reason. I wonder what she would have done had I mentioned it. Boy, that's bothering me. What was that last name? It's on the verge of conscious memory. Oh, well. It will come to me tomorrow. Ok, let's give the music a shot.
Yeah, still a slight readjustment; it's for the sheer new-audio-element aspect. But I think it was shorter than last time, so maybe there is a rhythm reacquisition period.
Rhythm. There's something key to that. Something in it drives people. Music relies on it, and so does dance. Language does, too. And plenty of day-to-day activities, like walking, or chewing, or even typing, to an extent. I think it hides in there more than it hides in language, though. Language hides rhythm well enough, because there's no real consistently repeating pattern - in words or in syllable accentuation. But there's rhythm there, all right. I'm not sure what kind, exactly, but there's something there. It's tied to time, and if you throw it off it is noticeably strange. I dunno about the "throwing off" part, but typing is the same way. I guess you can't throw it off; the computer wouldn't care. But it would feel weird to type out of rhythm, just as it would to talk out of it. Your target is just a bit more flexible in the typing.
I was rereading a lot of my journals recently; some sort-of-random person online was talking with me about them, and to be honest I'd forgotten what exactly went into them (and what I'd edited out). I still have some mild aspirations to being an author. I suppose that may be partially what spurred me to type again. The immediate cause was that I felt like doing something productive but couldn't bring myself to touch that project again; it's sickening now. So is the IDE I'm using for the other project, so I'm not working on it, either. I wonder how long it will be before I feel like programming again. It's not the summer that's doing it; last summer I went like a whatever-the-expression-is-afire - "Like a- a what afire, Jeeves?" "A house, sir." "Yes, that's it. Like a house afire." - but now I can't stand it. And it's not as if I've done a lot recently, either. The last I really did was back at school; I've only fixed a bug and a half here at home. Oh, yes; I've also added half a feature. Bah.
Cindy. Denise at work (who's a bit attractive, physically) has a voice that reminds me of that. And her accent reminds me of [name of girl from the summer program of my freshman year]. I wonder what [Ellen, girl from aforementioned summer program that I found rather attractive] is doing now. I suppose she's still at the university she was headed toward the last time I knew about her, doing sorts of things appropriate to her major. Haha [name of girl from high school whose face is similar to Ellen but lacked the same attractiveness]. I wonder how many names can get thrown into this paragraph? I haven't really meant to do it. [Fran, girl I know at college who I have thought was attractive ever since seeing her at a scholarship competition before school even started]. That one comes from the song that just popped up on my mp3 player. I remember learning that she drove her roommate crazy with its soundtrack. Haha. Fran, [name of girl from a different summer program who I was reminded of when I saw and was attracted to Fran]. Stupid Kevin. Why do they do that? I sound like some sort of really, really lonely guy that thinks about nothing but girls. I wonder how common this is; I would think guys with [steady] girlfriends wouldn't think like this, but I dunno. Do all guys "alone" think like this? I suppose it can be obsessive at times. There are a lot of girls I've been attracted to, and a good portion of them weren't just mere attractions. Oh, hey, by the way, I was never attracted to Cindy. Not really, anyway. You play with the idea and are attracted to most girls for at least a few moments while doing that; she was like that. But I don't remember any real attraction.
Perhaps I shouldn't have said "you" there; I don't really know what others do. I know I'm unique in many ways; I suppose that could be one. And, again, I would sort of hope that guys in fairly solid relationships don't do it. I wonder what my friend from college is up to right now. Well, I suppose he's asleep. Unless he's home in the nation he lives in. Then who knows; I dunno what the time offset is.
Geez this is long. I think I'll go online for a touch and then go to bed. I need to sleep so I can get up early enough to call the guy at the temp agency about next week.
It figures; I went over a page. I'll have to put more than two lines on it, now. Perhaps I will type as I chat online. Well, excuse me a moment while I connect.
Stupid connection. It seems to have done that "Huh? What? I don't exist" thing again. Oh, the modem says it's there, all right. But nothing sends or receives. I wonder what causes that. I suppose I'd know if I'd taken networks or whatever. Ah, well. I'll get it in. Or I won't graduate, actually. So I suppose it's pretty sure that I'll at least take the class, even if, grade-wise, I might as well not have.
If I had a million dollars I'd do a bunch of stuff, but in particular I'd like to make and distribute some stupid song I wrote on whim. Not that I blame Barenaked Ladies; I like the song. But it is sort of a strange song. Whimsical I suppose it is advertised as. Haha words are fun.
Ok, so much for typing while chatting.