An incredible thought occurred to me. Perhaps not "incredible" in the sense that it was some wonderful thing, but because I think I am afraid to consider it: What if the family from church (any of them) have been to my website? Names have been stripped, but situational information is pretty intact (for the benefit of others oblivious to my situation - those who may care, anyway.)
I watched them come in today. Of course, as usual, I watched with particular attention the daughter to whom I am attracted, though like an elementary school kid I tried not to make that evident. I think I succeeded. Nobody seems to have indicated any notice, anyway.
Things could quickly become awkward if they did read the however-censored journals, though. I would simply not know what to say. Once a girl knows you are "interested" in her there is a fuzzy thing there. Or at least I would imagine there to be one. Any attempted advance in the relationship would immediately have my motives into question. And certainly I would be found guilty. One can hardly be interested in another as a romantic prospect and pursue a deeper relationship without the two interests merging.
Fascinatingly enough, though, this means that either the pursued must be ignorant of the chase or a willing quarry. That's an interesting thought - in the latter a relationship is pretty much blessed or cursed from the start; in the former it takes on a devious hue.
In either case I fear I am weak. I suppose that the bright side is that I have recognized other areas of shortfall and decided against any such relationship right now. (I'll have you know that this is NOT sour grapes - rather it causes me deep regret. I do want the grapes; I just have no winepress, and am unwilling to settle for less than vintage wine.)
Oh, a note about last week. That was a bit of a down mood. Though it wasn't all bad - my pondering, that is. I think that finding myself at church again after such a long absence had me feeling awkward and separated. I still feel separated, but no longer awkward. Separation is fine with me, and I am no longer in the "returned after long absence" scheme.
Didn't see the father or his brother, though. They'd forgotten about Daylight Savings Time and were up a bit late last night. Too bad; I was looking forward to seeing them. Indeed, it was probably the final factor that got me up and attending today (I, too, was awake beyond intention last night).