What is it about "loners", anyway? I'm not entirely sure why, but I've been looking at this from a different angle recently. I guess lately one could say that I'm "feeling isolated". But I haven't been [isolated], really. But standing apart from a group can be painful. Today at church (and, to be fair, I hadn't attended for several weekends now) I felt incredibly isolated. But, though it was pinful, it wasn't something I felt bad about, kind of like a bittersweet farewell, I suppose. Specifically, I should state, I felt this way about the family to whom I'm attached.
Something happened with last semester - not causing, I don't think, but definitely related to - this separation. And I can't honestly say that I was ever really connected to this church. I've identified it as mine, and I have met some people here, but I've always felt a little out of place. - I would hang around, looking for a member of that family - or, more specifically, the father, usually - and not really feel comfortable outside communion with them. Of course, there are always exceptions, but that's pretty much the way it is/was. In any case, I have a hard time believing that this is common - at least to the extent I experience it (It is not only here that I feel and act this way). Perhaps I am intrinsically a "loner" type.
Immediately I counter this with the fact that I have always been the type to make a few close relationships and little else. Here I find part of me refuting this with my social, intrusively talkative exuberant self. Neither of these two sides lends itself to my kindergarten rejection theory, and I find myself forced to accept this oxymoron as myself.
What will I do? I'm running out of space on this scrap, and I really ought to finish the thought I started. "It is not a good thing for man to be alone." My immediate thought is the verse one of the daughters told me about; something in Proverbs about loners or recluses or what have you being a Bad Thing. Since then I have scoured Proverbs for it (she could not remember the reference) and been unable to find anything. Perhaps she was merely thinking of the wrong book, but the absence of that verse has stricken me as having some sort of significance.
Is there some sort of benefit to being a "loner"? I think there is. Of course, there is the fact that I like to do the people-watching thing. That certainly requires a degree of separation - one of the same quality as the one I've been speaking of as having. But it is by no means reclusive. One must have people to watch if one is to watch people.
Often I've been stricken by the concept of social castes. Sometimes I wonder if the inherent differences in people shouldn't be recognized and utilized more directly by society. I'm not advocating a Brave New World idea here, but definitely people are significantly different, and organization of those differences would result in greater efficiency. I am cautioned by such illustrations as H.G.Wells' The Time Machine. Extreme caste structure is divisive. So there must be some sort of interaction - its deficiency would definitely cause problems.
Ok, back to this specific situation. Perhaps I am merely on an emotional low. It may be that this feeling of "goodbye to the family" is just because I am tired, or feeling particularly lonely today (which is rather strange, considering that I did something social last night). But of course I think about them. I will miss the little boy; he is a nice kid, and fun to be with. I will regret not seeing the one to whom I'm attracted, but, then, I don't think there really was any potential there for a *relationship*, anyway. The very young boy, and the other three girls, I will miss, but more merely because they are part of the package than anything else. It is similar for the mother. Definitely, though, I will miss the father. I suppose, of the family, he was the one I spent the most time with, and so of course I have an attachment to him.
I've started to consider changing churches. I guess I think that maybe if I have a change of environment - perhaps to be something more familiar to my "developmental" years - that I might feel more comfortable, or more connected. I find myself thinking of my friend from high school for some reason; of the churches back home. But I can't really, honestly, say that I really felt comfortable in those environments, either. Not even in my youth groups, though those were much better. Hm. I have always tended to seek out - I dunno. There's some class of people that clump. My good friend from school was one, in late elementary school. That other friend of mine is my "contact" at my church at home. I suppose those two guys from way back in elementary school were. And my good neighborhood friend. Also that other one. Ah - and the guy from Cub/Boy Scouts. My other good friend from high school, to an extent.
What am I? This strikes me as an important question to answer. It's critical, somehow. I have to classify this one. I need to. I must know what I am.