Once again I sit (or, recline, is more like it) here. Talking about things. I talked online with some girl tonight. Random ICQ person. Her profile looked interesting; I think the reason I was interested was because she expressed some interest in vampires. I guess she made me think of that girl I met at work last summer. I should stop that. Talked to my other friend, too. I guess she had a really long day. She was with that guy, her "dark fascination", which is oddly similar to what I was doing with the vampire-girl last summer. Okay, that sentence was bad. The way, mentally, that I've been treating the whole thing. Not anything I actually did with her; I didn't. Which I sometimes regret. Hm. Funny connection, that's all. Sometimes you've got to wonder at the way people are tied.
Finished Mostly Harmless a bit ago. So now I've read the entire hitchhiker's guide trilogy. All five books. Maybe my mind will start functioning more 'normally' now. I sort of doubt it; I don't think their reading was what started it. Who knows. Precognizant dreams are a funny thing. I have two explanations for stuff like that - well, make that two easy explanations for stuff like that: coincidences favorably noticed and God. But I can't imagine God wanting me to know that my mother's friend was going to call in the morning before I could take the call and was getting ready to take a shower so was naked and therefore couldn't go downstairs. That's just strange. Odd coincidence, too. I think I'll cling to that until I get further evidence.
Which I wouldn't mind at all. Evidence for the 'paranormal' capabilities of the mind would be great news for me. Another step toward the goal. Well, if stuff like that does work, then this is good. I started doing this journal about it (sort of), and if I'm making steps, that's good stuff. I look forward to tomorrow.
Well, there's a third explanation I forgot about when I wrote a few paragraphs back. Demons, or other malevolent spiritual beings. I said God, but there's the other side of the coin, too. I shall ask for His protection; despite my ignorance, that should help. In any case, I've got the right stuff on my side.
I was surprised to find myself a bit jealous concerning that guy today when my friend said she'd spent the whole day with him, and that he was staying there for the night. Part of me rationalizes that because he's not a Christian, he isn't to be trusted, but another part says I'm just jealous. Strange. I didn't think I could be jealous about her. I'm not jealous of her other guy friend (and romantic interest). But, then, I know he's a Christian. Or at least hear that he is. Sigh. This isn't nice. Not at all comfortable. I wanna go home!
I feel lost, now. So thoughts went a bit faster than fingers there; I'll try to recapture the thought train.
Maybe I'm psychic and can feel "vibes" about things. I get a bad vibe from this guy. I don't get a bad vibe from the other one, but just now I'm starting to. Well, I guess, then, it isn't vibes. Something else, maybe. Too much information, too much concern, too many unknowns. I don't like this.
It's as though my mind is racing right now, but I'm not sure where it's racing toward. Sort of loops, I guess, around and around that issue. Defense mechanisms; I read about this in Merck. Which, btw, was very interesting, if a bit disappointing in its non-downloadable-for-handy-dandy-personal-offline-reference format. Perhaps I have defense mechanisms that cause me to not think about things. I don't want that. Anything that makes me ignore something is bad. Well, unless the thing to be ignored is truly harmful. But not if it merely causes discomfort. Especially if there is anything psychic to anything. Hm. I'm going to look potty putting this up for all to see. Perhaps this part will be edited out. I don't want fellow members of the Christian community thinking I'm a mystic. Even if I am, sort of. It's similar to hiding "Jesus Freakishness" from secular friends. Don't want to show too much skin, or they'll think you're a slut. Especially considering how much the camps hate each other. Stupid camps. Institution of the enemy, that's for sure. Ish. What a depressing way to end the day.
I need to sleep now. It is necessary, so that I may… do… whatever it is that I do. Hm.
I learned something about her tonight, anyway. Sigh. Why does it all have to be so complicated? I will sleep fitfully tonight. Goodnight.
Thought of something else. Tonight, for dinner, we went out to eat. My family wanted the location to be a surprise for me. I found myself starting to think all sorts of weird things, like my family rigging up some sort of huge hullabaloo for me. Thought maybe she would be there or something, and… I don't know. Something. Then I thought, no, that's silly. My other interest's being there would be, too. I thought about the other girl I liked in elementary school. Now there's an old topic. Hm; I wonder how she's doing now'days. I saw her a few years ago at the local high school prom, but she didn't recognize me. She had a guy, then. Heck; why wonder how she's doing? I wonder who she is now. She was my real 'first love'. Or first attraction, or something, anyway. First female I noticed, and was interested in more than I was in other people.
Great. Now I'm stuck with a few lines over page. Isn't that just convenient. Well, it'll put my odd-even page spreads back in alignment with the evening-morning bit.
I decided to edit and place in my 'philosophy sector' this journal. I hope it doesn't change the way I put things down. Hopefully not. My mind knows I'll be editing it for public reading later anyway. So maybe things will be okay. If not, I'll just have to take them down, and keep them to myself.
Why was I compelled to publicize this? Mom says I thrive on people. I guess that's true, though I've fairly successfully led a somewhat hermitic life in my dorm room. Maybe that's what causes my state. Or- maybe that's it! It started somewhere around freshman year of high school. We moved from my old hometown when, what, when I was in 7th or 8th grade, right? That would give me a year or so to hit wherever I am, and then start exhibiting symptoms. This stuff always comes out when interpersonal things are being addressed. If so, being social could do amazing things for me.
On the other hand, I've also often said that I'd miss this... existence if I didn't have it. I mean, it's great. Sort of. Maybe I just have some sort of disorder. Maybe I'm narcissistic (thank you Merck). I think I understand things others don't, and that it places me above them. Maybe it's been my way of coping ever since I started attending private school (where my friends were no longer located in my neighborhood, and so I had less socialization). No, I don't think so. I have my neighbor friend. Well, I guess he's not exactly active and always interaction. Maybe not. If that's the case, though, now that I have a driver's license, and theoretically much expanded mobility, that shouldn't make a difference, anymore. Maybe I'll get 'better'.
Whatever.
Can I go home now?
I'm still a little worried about that guy sleeping over at my friend's home. It's rather ludicrous - at least I seemed to think so a moment ago when I started writing this sentence - that he would 'try something'. Probably he's just tired. And there shouldn't be anything to worry about. I mean, rape is just out. At least I hope it is; this guy's in that group of people I admire. Of course, I've seen some of those guys. Still worldly guys. And at that age… well, I've been too close and heard too much straight out of the stereotyped horse's mouth to be really comfortable. I suppose he could try to seduce her; that's much more probable. Which would mean that any misgivings I have about the situation would be misgivings about her. Maybe that's why I don't want to think about it. Because the potential bad things are bad, and yet even thinking about them is, in a way, bad, as well. Well, her 'honor' be damned, if it prevents me from worrying about her.
Can't believe I said that. Yet I can't find another way to put it. So I guess I'll leave it that way.
Yessir, I'll sleep fitfully tonight…