Okay, so... quick brief semi-summary. Forget it. I don't want to write that. I want to write what I'm thinking about.
First off, sometimes life really sucks. It's incredible how life can be great and horrible at the same time, and in so many different ways. Right now it seems like there is a lot more negative right now than there is positive, and that's probably a pretty fair assessment - I may not be as hard up as those in "developing" countries are, but by American standards, my life at large is at the bottom of a latrine.
I still don't have a job. I don't have anything; part time or full time. I suppose this is because I'm not looking hard enough - that's what my parents keep telling me, and I have to admit I haven't put forth the effort I could have. I know it's said that you're supposed to get a dozen or two refusals before you get an acceptance, but is it supposed to be that bad if you're looking at not only good employers but fast food joints?
I've gotten three positives so far; the interview with the software company (which I "failed" because I don't possess Java skills), the contact from the investing firm (which, even if it ends up working, won't yield any income or tangible results for at least a month), and the tele-soul harvester position through the employment agency (which I refused on principle). I find myself wishing I'd taken that position now, even though my conscience would have rebelled. And my father told me not to accept. Mixed signals, incidentally. Mom and [step-] Dad would probably be yelling at me if they'd known I had an employment opportunity that I didn't take. Dad advised me, when I told him about the employment agency's call about a possible job, not to take it if it wasn't tech-related; to keep them looking for me. That helped me refuse it, though my conscience already cringes at telemarketing. I probably would have taken the job if it hadn't been for his advice. I wonder if it was the right decision. Probably. I would rather have a clean conscience and have my parents nagging at me than not have either.
My parents told me I'd be out of the house if I didn't have 40 hours of work a week by the end of January. Well, it's February 10 now, and they haven't kicked me out yet. I'm sort of hoping they've forgotten that date and its significance, but I haven't. It's looming over me like Big Something That Looms, and it's threatening to just hop down and crush me. I don't have anywhere to stay, and even if I did, I don't have any money to pay for it. The only option I'm aware of at this point is the Open Door Mission. I'll admit I'd have some pride issues with doing that. But it's not just that. Can *you* see a software company hiring somebody without a permanent address? Didn't think so.
It's really painful spending money when you have no income. While I'm on the subject, I'll mention the fact that gas prices are high (Yeah, I know, I know; "Oh boo hoo, poor Kevin, why should he complain; we all have to deal with it." Shut up if you've got an income source.), and that I recently paid attention to some numbers and found that my car (which, yes, was a gift, and one I'm not ungrateful for) gets 15 miles per gallon. With gas prices the way they are, that's more than ten cents a mile. That means I pay several dollars just to go to class each day. Or to drive to another potential employer who won't call me back.
Also the exhaust pipe fell off a week or so ago. I don't know yet how much it will cost to replace, but I don't expect it will be less than $100.
All right, now let's get to the big one. Mom has breast cancer. That stinks bad enough, but it doesn't help coming at a time when I'm completely helpless to do *anything*. I can't even give her a hug, it seems. I did a week or so ago, and it seemed welcome then. But I did again today, and she barely acknowledged that I was there. And tonight she yelled at me, suggesting that if I wanted to help her I should get a job.
I know part of her antagonistic behavior was due to her stress - she got some more bad news (I don't know what, exactly; she didn't say) about her cancer, and on top of it the Guide Dog Foundation called today to tell her that Belle (the guide dog puppy we hosted last year) didn't graduate from her training. Mom had a fair emotional investment in Belle.
I suspect that the cancer, and stress associated with it, is one of the reasons my February-persistent unemployment has been overlooked. And I have to admit a sort of twisted half-relief at it, as horrible as that looks at first glance. At least I'm not out on the streets, besides everything else.
Ok, so... I still have no source of income, and no imminent hope of getting one; this in the face of expenses that seem larger every time I look. In the near future Mom is going to lose, at the least, a breast - possibly (though hopefully remotely) her life.
Is that it? Yeah, I know those are pretty big ones, but somehow it seems a lot smaller when I go to list my innumerable troubles and find that there are only two to list.
Let's go over positives. All right. I seem to be faring well in my class. And I got my graduation registration in on time. And I registered for the community college course. If my current [academic] condition stays the way it is (that is, my financial hardships don't force me to take a job I have to give up my class for, and SOMEHOW I muster up enough money to take the online course through LeTourneau this summer), I'll graduate in August.
I had a pretty good evening a few nights ago; one I really need to devote an entire journal entry to; I actually intended to do it today, but became distracted. And now I'm doing this one, because it weighs more heavily on me. For now let's just say it involves Zelda.
Which reminds me of another positive; it looks as though I may be able to do something with/for Zelda on Friday (Valentine's Day). I would really like that (even if it does involve driving to Lincoln and back, spending however much the gas will cost me).
Which reminds me of another negative. The Zelda thing in general. I wouldn't really call it a "negative", particularly in light of those other two monsters, but it does generate stress. No real new "negatives" from there - if anything, everything recently has been positive - but the whole situation isn't exactly easy on me. It still doesn't look like we're going to have anything like a close (romantic or platonic) relationship any time soon, nor like she's really actively interested in one. So every positive thing regarding her also holds that drop of poison. Not to mention that any gestures that I *might* be able to make are for the most part unaffordable (even just driving out to see her, though I'll do that on Friday if I can).
All right. Let's look for more positives. God loves me. My family does, too, even if Mom is too caught up in her own stressors at the moment to demonstrate it. Not that she ever has done much more than nag (overtly or covertly) about my lack of employment.
It's quite possible that my employment prospects would open up more if I showed a willingness to relocate - to California, perhaps, or wherever - but (as sad as this seems) I would really, *really* rather be here in Nebraska, where I can be close enough to see Zelda occasionally.
Drat. I was just sitting here, trying to think of what to comment on next, and I remembered a gob of other negatives - secondhand, at least, but a heap o' emotional turmoil nonetheless. Friends' troubles. I really don't want to think about it right now. Time to get drunk. (No, not physically. I'm going to turn on some music.)