Hey; flying is quite fun. This was the first time I've been up in a small aircraft; that is, just the pilot and me. Mr. Zelasny let me fly a bit, once we were up. He says I'm pretty good (understood qualifier being "for never having done it before"), but I wonder how much is just common courtesy. I should take compliments at face value more often.
I went to talk to Zelda a few hours after I got back from flying with Mr. Zelasny. She is going out with a friend this afternoon. Tonight the family is going to someone's retirement party. At 7:00. She said she will call me when she gets back from her outing with her friend. Next Sunday she and her father will be getting back from the annual event they are going to. It also happens to be her 20th birthday.
It is still very difficult to plan anything with her. I still can't help but feel like it's intentional. I mean, 7:00? It seems all sorts of plans have been made. I suppose this means, though, that I will be going to the show with my mother. Or hanging out with some of my friends. I dunno. My conversation with Zelda didn't really resolve the issue of whether or not last night's shafting was intentional or not, though she seemed friendly enough when we talked. This whole unavailability thing is awfully frustrating, and rather painful. The many-times mentioned insecure part of me is what makes it painful; he is convinced that she is avoiding me because she doesn't want to do anything with me. I'd ignore him, but he had an awfully loud and triumphant "I told you so" session last night, and he's still pretty strong.
When we talk next I think I will ask flat out if she really wants to get to know me. I'm not sure how to bring it in without feeling rude and/or demanding, but it's sort of critical that I know, and it didn't come up naturally (as I'd thought it would) in our admittedly brief interaction today.
I suspect I will be a fiend when it comes to keeping people off of the phone this evening when I suppose Zelda will be coming home (when she said she'd call). I wonder how I will do it without giving away why I am so concerned.
But I suppose my plans for the night depend on how things with Zelda resolve. If I find she really has no interest in me, then I can go to B&B with Mom without thinking constantly "Zelda could have been here with me." If there is interest, then I would probably be a little distracted, and that would take away from the experience.
On the other hand, if I did see it then it would at least be something safe - well, fairly safe - to talk about when we do finally get together. And then there's the fact that I haven't seen some of my friends for a while.
I have, throughout this last week, at least been given some more thoughts concerning artificial intelligence. None were directly tied to Zelda, but you can never trace all causes and effects, so at least, when this is over, I will be able to think of it as productive in some way. And I may be able to pull out with some sort of way to artificially represent the love/acceptance thing. It's the current roadblock.
In any case, today is the last day to do something with Zelda for the next week or so. The bright side of this is that I won't have to face going over there to be told she isn't available (which is always a little letdown) every day. At least the whole thing will be in limbo. I don't have to worry about doing anything, or fear letting an opportunity pass by.
Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life?
I must admit I'm feeling alone these days. Zelda is really the only girl I can "pursue" this summer, without going extremely out of my way (go to "singles" places, or the personal ads), which I refuse to do; that's way too desperate, and I don't need another person to be one myself. But it would be awfully nice to have one (a companion), nonetheless. Very nice.
I suppose there are people at school. Given the encouraging response I got from Zelda when I first asked her out, I figured that, at the least, I would have more confidence if and when I tried it again. But at the time I was expecting that a "failure" of the relationship would mean that we found that we really weren't interested in each other. I didn't think it would be - as it seems at this point - that I would be hurt by false acceptance followed by rejection. That doesn't do much for my confidence.
Hey, at least my depression is a result of dashed hopes, and not necessarily by the [perceived] rejection itself. I at least have that to be glad of. Still, combined with the mindless job I have this summer, things aren't good.
I can't believe I've been using that word to describe myself recently. Depressed. Geez, Kevin. Kevin Baba doesn't get depressed. Sigh. I suppose there must be something chemical. After all, things were this way about eight or nine months ago, too. Don't tell me I'm mildly bipolar. I don't want to hear it right now. Tell me when I'm on the upside. And buy me some chocolate roses.
I'm not sure where that came from. Perhaps I could use some sugar right now. Dunno why I would, though; I had plenty for breakfast. Fruit. Perhaps I should eat some fruit. I'll be back.
Food helped a little; at least some of this was physiological.
She's supposed to call. It's 5:16 now, and I'd figured she'd be calling sometime between 3:00 and 4:00; she was going to meet a friend at 12:30 (or perhaps a little later; summer schedules with friends do that, I understand) for lunch and possibly a movie. So if you figure half an hour for lunch and two for a movie, that's 3:00-4:00. I suppose a later meeting is likely, so perhaps later.
It is 5:17. I don't know what to think. If I care to go, I can meet some friends at the Taco Bell up at 72nd and Dodge. I want to see them. I also want Zelda to call. If she does call, late, I don't want to miss it. But if she doesn't call, I don't want to miss this meeting with my friends. We don't see enough of each other these days, it seems. And I need someone to whine/vent on. But if she calls, and there are possibilities, then I might not have anything to vent about. But if she doesn't, I'll have completely wasted this evening. And my evenings are valuable, what with the now-hated second shift job I have.
And to think none of this would have happened, for better or for worse, if I hadn't been working with that company. Which I wouldn't have been doing if I hadn't signed up with my current employment agency just when I did. And I wouldn't have done even that if my previous temp agency hadn't died. Or if I'd decided to take the job in California. Optimistically, I looked at this as some form of providence. I still do, I suppose, but I have to wonder what the point is. Is it to get myself and Zelda together? I don't think so, anymore, though it could still fulfill that function. Is it to break me up emotionally? God knows I could use it. This definitely has a different flavor to it than other the other, more common mental breakdowns I have. And I did cry, which is saying something.
Is this to scar me, to prevent future romantic endeavors? Am I really destined for that vision I've had of my future self? Is it to start me off on a train of thoughts that will lead me to AI? Perhaps I am merely being tested Job-style. Of course, this would be an incredibly muted version, but I can't deny that it is extremely uncomfortable (read: painful). On the more dramatic, romanticized side, I may be being given a stereotypical emotional tough shell that my future bride will have the pleasure to crack.
I'm venting randomly now. I must have entered the "God, why?" stage. Hey. Last time I hit there I got a direct revelation. Maybe, again… That would really be something. Worth anything, I suppose. Well, thoughts to think. It's 5:28 now, and I'll be leaving here at 6:00 if I'm going to catch the guys.
The Zelasnys have that retirement party to attend at 7:00, so Zelda will have to be home by then. If I stay home and don't receive a call by 7:00 I'll know that I've been either rudely dismissed or forgotten - again. Is that hour worth it? If I do get a call, it will be. If I don't… I'll be in the same place I am now, minus a potentially therapeutic "night out with the boys".
It's worth going out. If she is interested, she will call. If I'm not here, then - I'm sorry, but I've had enough broken contacts with her. Even assuming extreme forgetfulness on her part, she "owes" me some leeway there.
You know, the more I think about it, though, the less I think I can be placated when this is over (assuming worst-case) by the idea that "I didn't want to be with a girl like *that*, anyway." My perception of her (in my face-to-face encounters) thus far has been pleasant, but I can't really claim to know her very well; it's not that I am losing a potentially wonderful relationship with a really great person. But I *was* looking forward to the opportunity of both getting to know her and enjoying her company in the process. And it was promised me, in a way. But then it was rapidly, forcefully removed. That's really the part that hurts. The fact that this enjoyable event I was looking forward to with such enthusiastic anticipation has been killed. Not only killed, but, to all appearances, brutally beaten beforehand, and trampled upon afterward.
It's 5:50. There have been no calls.