Ok, I'm happy again. I got off work early today, and I found out earlier this morning that, because of the heat, the Zelasnys are not going to the the family event that might have interfered with Saturday night. I am about to go over and ask her if she still wants to go to the show with me. Yay! I am happy. I may have my hopes dashed in a few minutes, but for the moment, I am excited.
I will discuss the ironies of Tuesday when I return.
Ok, before I write, I will access sentiment block 48G. I reserved it during my shower for retrieval in just such an instance. The only drawback will be whiplash.
Tuesday was the day I talked with Zelda to find that the family thing would, in all likelihood, interfere with our going to Beauty and the Beast on Saturday night. However, we did talk a good amount, and I enjoyed it much. I would have liked to have done so longer, but I had to go to work.
That day at work was simply terrible; there was the knowledge that I was not going to the show on Saturday with Zelda, and there was the incredibly dull, mind-numbing work (for seven hours), and there was the prospect of going home early that never developed, and other such things as I have already discussed in that journal entry.
This morning, however, I found out that the very heat that had caused me misery on Tuesday was going to let Zelda go with me! Hooray! I regretted blessing the sweet clouds that had given me shade on Wednesday, and marveling at Providence. Such a great thing. And great irony.
Ok, so much for that. I didn't really retrieve 48G. I tried only halfheartedly. I suppose I can recall it at some later time if I want. Tonight.
I got off of work early, partly at my request (because I wanted to ask Zelda if she still wanted to go to see Beauty and the Beast with me tomorrow night). That was very nice. Also because tonight is Friday, and this gives me a "head start" on the weekend, and since my work at the factory is becoming quite unpleasant, I was also very grateful for that.
I arrived home, and showered, and gave myself a quick shave, and then after a small period of "working up the nerve" again, headed off to the Zelasnys.
As I arrived at their home, I found the garage door opening. Funny luck I have with that timing, what with it happening twice last Saturday and all.
These paragraphs are short. I wonder if that reflects my mood somehow. Probably. I will look into it later.
The whole family was dressed up; I presumed they were going out to a somewhat fancy restaurant. I asked if they were getting back at a "semi-decent" hour, implying "mightn't I drop by later to chat". No, they would probably be back sometime like 11. "Eleven?" Wow, that's awfully late. "Where are you going?" The reply might as well have killed me.
"Actually, Beauty and the Beast."
I suppose there was a pause there, but the emotional recoil was so powerful that I didn't notice it. It was downhill from there. "Oh."
"Well, I guess now it would be weird and all, but…"
"I was talking with your dad earlier today and he said the family event had been canceled. I was wondering if you'd still like to go out Saturday." I don't think text can possibly convey the tone of that. It looks rushed. It probably was, though I was still not quite in the external world yet and didn't notice.
I don't remember verbatim what she said, but it was something like "No, you should probably go ahead and see it with your Mom," only without the callousness that the text implies. It did sound a little pitying. I did take note of the tone, but it didn't really make a whole lot of difference.
I asked about Sunday night, which was my previous plan, worked around the family event's interference. I guess I had something wrong about it before, because they are leaving that night for Oshkosh, the fly-in; I'd thought it was only for the following weekend. They will be there all week. The earliest possible time that leaves for me to see her again (if I try) is the second Monday morning from now.
"Oh, ok. Maybe I'll see you then, then." This statement was kind of weak and I was sort of backing down the driveway. This wasn't out of any "retreat mode" I was in, though it probably looked that way. Actually I was just getting out of their driveway because, after all, they were about to leave, and I didn't want to be blocking their exit. Reflex courtesy, I suppose.
Well, I'm not sure what to say about this. I can't help but feel a little betrayed. Ok, so a lot of me feels very betrayed. Beauty and the Beast! I don't really need to say it, but I will anyway because that's what journals are for, and besides I need to vent. The tickets practically had to have been purchased after I'd asked her, or she probably would have mentioned it. This also implies that they were purchased after Tuesday, though she may have neglected to mention it to avoid hurting my feelings.
That means that, after knowing I wished to take her to it (and after indicating that she wanted to do so), she allowed the family to make plans [that included her] to see it anyway. Without me. Worse yet, I suppose she could have actually initiated those plans. Though I don't really think anybody could be capable of that; it's too randomly cruel.
I suppose her father didn't say anything about it this morning either because he didn't know that that is where I had planned to go, or because he figured he'd leave that to Zelda.
But Beauty and the Beast! I hope the tickets were purchased before they decided against attending the family thing, because that would mean she really had been using it as an excuse not to go with me.
I'm not sure what to think. I can come up with some best-case scenarios, but they seem contrived to me. The worse cases don't leave me with a very high opinion of her, and I don't like holding feelings like that against anyone. However, I think that I will allow them at least until after Saturday night, so that when I go to Beauty and the Beast, I will not be wistfully thinking "Zelda could have been here with me." but rather "I'm glad she's not here with me." It's terribly callous, but at this point I would rather have a grudge against someone for a few nights, and enjoy the show, than feel rotten throughout: if I'd feel rotten, I might as well not go. And I hate to waste the tickets.
Though the thought has come across me to just not go. Previously when the family thing was the biggest obstacle, I very much considered giving the tickets away and trying to do something else that night with Zelda. Of course, the tickets are "Will Call", which means that I personally have to be there to pick them up, but… it was a thought, anyway.
I actually feel like crying, but some society-induced "macho" thing stops me. Perhaps it's a good thing; I wouldn't be typing this up right now if I were busy having a good cry. On the other hand, the phrase "good cry" is aptly named; I'd probably be feeling much better by now if I had.
No, I take that back. I do feel better now, if only because C is taking control. He's nice about that. And writing this has helped. I think this is really his project. Maybe that's why these read as "superior".
Ok, I'm going to go tell my parents now. They will be full of pity, somehow. I wonder how they will show it. I can't remember any similar instances.